As I previously posted. On Friday, July 23rd the daily ultrasound showed that the SD radio (the blood flow through the umbilical cords) showed very low or stoppage of the blood flow from me to babies A & C. By 8 in the morning Shawn was on his way to the hospital, surgery was scheduled for noon and I was prepping for my first surgery. I won’t go in details about the prep because it’s irrelevant to their story. One highlight was that following my shower I had my last belly picture taken. Even now I’m amazed at how big it was. Shawn, his parents and Evie all arrived and headed for a quick lunch. I of course had to miss breakfast and lunch, and at 35 weeks I was still STARVING all the time.
I had hoped that Shawn would be with me during all the prep procedures. However, I walked there solo and was prepped for and received a spinal literally numbing me from chest down. When inserted it primarily hurt on the left side and I was afraid that it was only going to work on the left side of my body but was numb all over. I felt nothing. I asked the nurses once again to have a mirror (which they said they’d get) and the staff went through prepping me. This includes tying my arms down, a drape between me and my babies (and belly). Then the room full of nurses, anesthesiologists, residents and my primary doctor all began to recite the reason they were there: “I’m here for the delivery of triplet babies.” It was at this point I got anxious because Shawn was still not in the room and I asked if Shawn could be allowed in. In fact, incisions had already been made when he reached my side. Baby A, Ella, was born feet/butt first at 1:33 p.m. Baby B, Henry, was also breech and born at 1:34 p.m. Baby C, Grant, required a little more work (Shawn stated that the resident had to reach until just past her elbow was in my uterus). but was born breech at 1:34 p.m. All three cried (yeah lungs!) and were brought to warmers and worked over. Only Grant needed a little bit of C-PAP (mask) help to breath. As expected both Grant and Ella were small for their gestational age. Henry was average.
Once an initial assessment was made the three was moved to the N.I.C.U. I was overwhelmed and happy and also feeling lightheaded. Shawn was able to get one picture of each of them at birth and then a really neat one (don’t judge I’m a anatomy geek) of my uterus sitting outside my abdomen so they could massage it to stop the bleeding. The doctors stitched me up and sent me to recovery. Recovery was a little rough as my temperature dropped and I spent more time there then I/they anticipated. My next stop was to see the babies and I got to hold both Ella and Henry. Grant developed, most likely due to the C-PAP, punctured lungs bilaterally. For this reason, I didn’t get to hold my smallest baby boy that night. Once we formally “met” the babies I was wheeled to my room. Eating was first on my list, but took me awhile as I was faint and couldn’t sit up for long periods. I had passed out several times after Evelyn’s birth so this wasn’t a huge surprise and I took it easy.
The birth of the triplets was one of the best days of my life and one of the worse. I was so happy they were here alive and well. Feed and grow babies is the term they were given. I was in love with them all. However, there were so many things that occurred during my procedure where I felt more like a vessel carrying triplets then their mother and a person whose feelings mattered, 1. Having to ASK for my husband to be in the room. 2. Asking for but never receiving a mirror so that I could see their birth (some of you may be abhorred at the idea of watching but I had been very active in Evelyn’s birth to the point that I was able to pull her out and onto my chest). I felt robbed of the opportunity to witness their entrance into the world. 3. I asked if the doctor could describe what was happening so that I could at least visualize it. No word was given. 4. My primary OB did not stop to see me in recovery or in my room following the C-section. In fact, I never saw him again. 5. I was treated like an interloper in the care of the triplets. There were times when I seemed more of a nuisance then their MOTHER. 6. Most of the nurses etc. felt the need to school me on taking care of MY children. 7. The hospital/N.I.C.U. made decisions about their care not their dad or I. For instance, I was run ragged trying to keep up with their feeding schedules, until a lactation nurse stepped in. As beautiful as their birth was I still deal with the anxiety from that day and my anger toward the doctor and hospital.
Don’t be ashamed to admit that you have unforgiveness towards someone/something. The first part of healing is doing so. Never give up the journey to freedom!!!
Are you dealing with unforgiveness? How are you working to overcome this today?